The Only Promise That Remains
by purplepagoda
Summary: Will Olivia finally reveal who her mystery man is? Her life seems to be getting more and more complicated? When her mystery man wants to take it to the next level, what will it mean? Could he be the one? Maybe there is a baby in the cards for Olivia. Or, maybe her secrets will drive prince charming away. And, what about Elliot? Whatever happened to him?
1. The One?

She had convinced herself, that she could do this. She was certain that she could do all of it on her own. She thought she could keep her life, private. Nobody had to know.

* * *

_She's sitting on the tarmac, his hand holds hers. She looks over at him. He's a sweet, and seemingly genuine guy. The other passengers are still boarding, and her intestines tie into a knot. It only takes a second for the look to crawl across her face. He looks over at her. _

_"Olivia, are you ok?" he asks, sweetly._

_"No," she shakes her head. Her first vacation, in years, she tries to remind herself, "I can't do this."_

_"Do what?"_

_"I can't go," she tells him, sliding her hand out of his. He scoots back, to let her out. She gets to the aisle, and pulls her bag out of the rack, above their seats._

_"Olivia! Come on."_

_"Look, I know you don't understand. I am sorry. I just can't do this."_

_"Olivia..."_

_"Look, maybe one day, if you stick around, long enough, you'll understand."_

_He says nothing, as she fights her way off the plane. The guilt hits her. She doesn't hesitate. She doesn't turn around. She wheels her bag away from the plane. She hears footsteps behind her. She doesn't look back._

_A hand slides into hers. She looks over, stopping. She finds him standing there, next to her, with his luggage by his side. She stares at him, with a puzzled look on her face._

_"What are you doing."_

_"If you're not going why would I want to."_

_"You should go. I just can't."_

_"Olivia, I don't know why you can't go. I don't know what it is, that you're not telling me. All I know, is that I don't scare easily. I am not running, anywhere."_

* * *

She sits across the table from him. He stares at her, with a smile on his face. She doesn't say anything.

"Olivia?"

"Hm?"

"Are you ok?"

"I'm fine," she lies.

"Is there something on your mind?"

"No," she lies, again. For over three months, they have been seeing each other, and he's never even seen the inside of her apartment. She's never seen the inside of his, either. In fact, she isn't entirely sure why he's still interested.

"You don't have to lie to me, you know. You can just tell me you don't want to talk about it."

"I am sorry. I..." she hesitates.

"You don't trust me?"

"That isn't it."

"Really?" he raises an eyebrow.

"You are a very patient, very sweet guy."

"But?"

"It's not you."

"Are we breaking up?"

"No," she shakes her head.

"Then why are you telling me that it's not me? This kind of seems like the it's not you, it's me, speech."

"No, it's not."

"So, what is it?"

"It isn't that I don't trust you, per say."

"What does that mean?" he cocks an eyebrow.

She smiles, at how handsome he is, "It means, that, I don't have the best track record, with relationships. They usually end badly. I just don't want to repeat my mistakes. I really like you."

"Do you always take things this slowly?"

"No, and I am sorry. I just have a lot at stake."

"I am patient."

"Nobody is this patient."

"I found someone that I am willing to wait for, because she's not ready."

"I don't deserve you."

"I don't know where your heart has been before, but I have the feeling that it has been trampled on before. I am not going to do that, to you."

"That's not what I am worried about."

"You are a very guarded person."

"I have my reasons."

"Are you ever going to let me in?" he wonders.

She sips her drink. "Maybe," she admits, after swallowing.

"You know, we spend a lot of time talking."

"Yes, we do."

"And, we always seem to talk about things that aren't important at all."

"For example?"

"Baseball. Last time we talked about baseball. It's not even baseball season."

She traces the rim of her glass, "What would you rather talk about?"

"The important stuff."

"We have talked about our jobs, and our parents. We covered our education, and..."

He cuts her off, "We never talk about the future. Why is that? Can you not see a future with me?"

"I can," she admits.

"Then we should talk about that."

"Ok," she agrees.

"Would you ever get married?"

"Are you asking," she jokes.

"Would you?" he smiles, his neck turning red, in embarrassment.

"Maybe."

"When you were a little girl how did you dream your life would turn out?"

"Honestly, not like this."

"So tell me, what were your dreams?"

"I don't know," she shrugs.

"I always wanted a family," he admits, "a big one."

"Yeah?"

"You don't?"

"I always thought I would get married, young."

"And?"

"Have a bunch of babies."

"How many is a bunch?"

"Four," she admits.

"Four? That's a good, even number. I like even numbers."

"A girl can dream, right?"

"It's never too late."

She looks at her watch, "It's getting late. I should go."


	2. Inquiring Minds

She closes the door of her apartment, behind her. She locks the door, and fastens the chain. She slips out of her high heels. She hangs her coat on the coat rack. She tiptoes to her room. She pushes the door open. She slips out of her dress, and heads to the bathroom, quietly. She showers, and pulls on some pajamas.

She slips into bed, with a wet head. She rolls towards the center of the bed. She finds a warm body, lying next to her. She listens as he body next to her breathes in, and out, as they sleep. She kisses a warm, soft cheek. The body, that lies next to her, doesn't move. She slides under the covers. She stares at the person next to her, until her eyes grow too tired, to stay open. Finally she closes them, and concedes to sleep. It washes over her quickly.

* * *

Sitting at her desk, early the next morning, she yawns. Her partner walks in.

"How was your date, last night?"

"Good."

"Late night?" Nick inquires.

"I was home by nine, I don't know why I'm so tired," she half lies.

"You were home by nine?" He raises his eyebrow, "I think this guy is a dud."

"He's a gentleman."

"A gentleman? Maybe he's gay," Nick suggests.

"He is definitely not."

"Have you sealed the deal, yet?"

"That is none of your business," she insists.

He shakes his head, as he makes his way to his desk, "Gay," he mutters, under his breath. A wadded up ball of paper hits him in the head. He looks at his partner. She looks at him, innocently.

"Real mature."

* * *

She's standing in front of her locker, after a long day. She's so consumed in thought, that she doesn't hear him come up, behind her. She looks surprised when the locker opens. She looks over at him.

Fin stares back at her. He notices the dark circles under her eyes, as if she hasn't slept in months. She looks beyond exhausted. For months now, he's known that there has been something weighing on her mind. He knows her well enough, to know, that she's hiding. There is a secret, that he knows she won't share, he just doesn't know what.

She watches him, as he looks at her. He doesn't say anything. She refuses to start a conversation. The only thing on her mind, is getting home. She breaks eye contact, and looks down, at the watch, on her wrist.

"You have a hot date, tonight?"

She yawns, "Not tonight."

"You in a hurry to get somewhere?"

"Just home," she reveals.

"Why don't we grab a bite? We haven't hung out, in a while."

"Fin, I should get home."

"Half an hour. You look like you could use it."

"What is that supposed to mean?" she wonders.

"You look exhausted. Can't you ever just give yourself a break?"

"I wish."

"Liv, come on."

She grabs her purse, "Fine," she concedes, knowing that he's not going to relent.

* * *

She sits across from him at a restaurant about a block from the precinct. Her menu lies on the table. She stares at the cover, already knowing what she's going to order. The waitress seems to be in no hurry to take their orders. She tries to avoid eye contact. She can feel Fin's hazel eyes boring holes through her. He breaks the silence.

"Liv?"

"Hm?"

"What's been going on, with you, lately?"

"Nothing," she fibs.

"Look at me," he insists.

She looks up, making eye contact, "What?"

"I want to see your eyes, when you're lying to me."

"I..."

He shakes his head, "Cut the crap Olivia."

"Excuse me?"

"For months, I haven't said a word. I thought whatever it is, that has been bothering you, would work itself out. I thought that you might tell me what was going on. I mean we have worked together, for too damn long, for you to shut me out."

"Fin, I..."

"I respect your privacy, but..."

She cuts him off, "But, what?"

"You look completely exhausted. I know you. You're barely hanging on. What gives?"

"I think that I need some vacation time."

"So take it," he suggests.

"I have given everything to this job, and at what cost?"

"It's too damn high."

"I just don't know if I can do it, anymore."

"What are you saying to me? You thinking about quitting?"

"Quitting? More like retiring."

"You have your twenty?"

She nods, "Yeah."

"Time flies, when you're... dealing with other people's shit."

She nearly cracks a smile, "You're right."

"But I want to know, what gives?"

"What do you mean?"

"You love your job. You could take a temporary, if you're getting burnt out."

"I don't know," she shakes her head.

"Liv, what's changed?"

"Everything."

"This new guy that you're seeing?"

"No."

"Then what is it?"

"You wouldn't understand," she tells him.

"How could I? You never tell me anything."

"Sometimes, the less you know, the better."

"Olivia, you were the one my kid called, when he was in trouble. You have helped me out of jams. If you're in trouble, let me help you."

"I don't think that you can help me."


	3. Time

It's early, the next morning. Her captain's office door stands partially open. She knocks on the door frame. He looks up from his desk. He sees one tired, weary detective standing in the doorway.

"Olivia, come in," he motions for her.

She steps in, closing the door behind her. She takes a seat, in front of his desk, unsure of what to say.

"What's this about?" he wonders, noting her facial expression.

"I need some time off."

"So take it," he suggests, "You work hard, you've earned it."

"Captain, I'm not just talking a couple of days."

"A week? Olivia, take it. I am not going to hold it against you."

"More than that," she reveals.

"Liv, is something going on, with you?"

She shrugs, "Don't worry about it."

"Something I should know about?" he wonders.

"Probably."

"Then spill."

"I can't."

"How much time do you need?"

"I don't know, maybe a month, maybe more."

"Olivia, be straight with me, here."

"About what?"

He notices the far off look, in her dark eyes. She seems more tired than usual. The dark circles under her eyes, seem a permanent fixture, lately. She breaks eye contact. She looks at the surface of the desk.

"Olivia, if you're getting burnt out, tell me."

"Who isn't?"

"Olivia, are you thinking of quitting?"

"Honestly?"

"Yeah," he nods.

"The thought has crossed my mind."

"Why?"

"I have spent most of my life dedicated to this job, and at what cost?"

"We have all paid a pretty high cost. We've all given up a lot for this job. Relationships, marriages, kids, friends, time, dreams. Look, if you need vacation time, take it. Just come back."

She shakes her head, "I don't know if I can this time."

"You're thinking of leaving this unit?"

"I am thinking of leaving, all together."

"Olivia are you going to tell me what's going on?"

"Eventually."

"But not now?"

"Give me a week, or two."

"I thought you said a month."

"If I take a month, I'll never come back," she admits.

"Ok. Effective immediately. Go home. I'll see you in a couple of weeks."

"Ok."

* * *

It's just before eight, when someone knocks on her door. She abandons the task at hand, and makes her way towards the door. She looks out the peephole, and pulls the door open, after unlocking it. He steps into the apartment, closing the door.

He looks at her, she's already wearing pajamas. He shakes his head, trying to figure out what to open with. She ends the silence.

"Fin, what are you doing here? Did Cragen send you?"

"I came on my own free will."

"He didn't ask you to?"

"No. I came here, because, I was concerned about you."

"Ok."

"He said you took some time."

"Yeah," she confirms.

"We're all worried about you."

"Don't be."

"Is there something wrong?"

"Fin I just need the time, for myself."

"Ok. I can respect that."

"I am burnt out."

"I like the new place. What made you decide to move?"

"I had the same place, for ten years. It was time for a change of scenery."

"A change of scenery would be a new building, not a new unit. Besides, you hate change."

"Are you interrogating me?"

"I am just trying to get to the bottom of this."

She points to the couch, "Have a seat."

"Ok."

She takes a seat on the couch, next to him. He looks at her, waiting for her to explain. She stares at him, with a look of extreme confusion, or guilt. He can't tell.

"Are you dying, or something?"

"No!"

"Then whatever it is, can't be that bad."

"Keep telling yourself that."

"Liv, why did you move?"

"I already told you."

"You lied. You have been doing that, a lot, lately."

"Yes."

"You seem to have a lot of hushed conversations on your phone. Is this about your mystery man?"

"Who?"

"The guy you've been dating?"

"No. It has absolutely nothing to do about him."

"Are you working for the CIA, or something?"

"No. I don't have time for that."

"So you're seeing someone on the side?" he takes a stab in the dark.

She smiles, "Sort of. Not really."

His face falls. He furrows his brow. "Sort of?"


	4. Secret

"There is another guy, on the side?"

"I didn't say that there was another guy," she reveals.

"What?! It's a girl? Olivia!"

"I never said that, either."

"Can I get a name?"

"Sydney."

"Sydney? You're just making stuff up, now, aren't you? That isn't even a name. It's a city"

"That is the name of the love of my life."

"Sydney? I don't buy it."

"Stay there."

"Why, what are you going to do? Do you have a picture? I can't believe the love of your life is named Sydney. The only thing I can picture named Sydney is a puppy, or a socialite."

She returns a few moments later. She takes a seat on the couch. He stares at her, in confusion.

"I don't understand."

"I told you, that you wouldn't."

He stares at the baby, in her arms. A sweet, chubby little girl. She stares at him, with big, bright eyes. She's wearing pajama's and. She's got a head full of dark hair. Without a word, he reaches for her. Olivia slips her into his arms. His face lights up, and his lips crawl into a smile. The baby looks at him, with heavy eyes.

"Hi blue eyes," he coos. The little girl smiles widely, at him. "How old is she?"

"Seven months."

"Why didn't you just tell me about her?"

"I didn't tell anybody about her."

"How long have you had her?" he questions.

"Always," she answers.

"Why would you keep this a secret? Liv..."

"I thought that I could do it on my own. I wanted to do it all, myself. I didn't realize how hard it would be. I didn't know how difficult it would be each day, just to leave her, to go to work."

"I don't understand why you would keep her a secret."

She shrugs, "It wasn't my original intention. I just..." she trails off.

"You just what?"

"I took one look at her, and all I wanted to do, was protect her. I thought the only way I could do that, is if nobody knew."

"Why would you think that?"

She shrugs, "I don't know."

"She's beautiful."

"I feel so blessed, to wake up to that face, every single morning."

"The guilt is what I've been seeing?"

"I have dedicated myself to my job. It just doesn't seem worth it, anymore. I barely see her. She is the one thing that I wanted more than anything."

"Look, I can't tell you the right thing to do, here."

"But?"

He looks at the chubby cheeks, of the sweet little girl, in his arms, "I know that if I had it to do over, again, I would have done things a lot differently. I would have put my family first."

"I have to pay the bills," she reminds him.

"I get that."

"I..."

He cuts her off, "But, Liv, you don't have to do this on your own. You should know that."

"I have never been very good, at asking for help."

"That is for sure."

"She is not anyone else's responsibility."

"So does the guy that you've been seeing know about her?"

"No. I know he's beginning to lose his patience."

"What are you waiting for? Are you afraid to scare him off?"

"I don't know. I don't want to get her attached to anyone, who isn't going to stick around."

"You should tell him, don't you think?"

"I know that."

"Then what is stopping you?"

"It's the first time I have ever had to consider how to bring it up."

"It hasn't, already? He didn't ask if you had kids?"

"He asked if I wanted them, not if I had them."

"Did you ask him?"

"Of course. I also did a background check on him."

"Do you see a future with him?"

"Yeah, maybe," she admits.

"Then tell him."

"Tell him that we have been seeing each other, for over three months, and I never mentioned the fact that I had a daughter?"

"You never mentioned it to me. I am already over it."

"That is different."

"Olivia why would you keep her a secret?"

"It's complicated."

"Life is complicated. We're practically your family, and you didn't even mention it."

"I honestly thought I would get caught."

"Get caught, what are you talking about?"

"I thought that someone would find out, before she was born. I figured someone would piece it together, when I took time off, in the middle of the summer."

"That should have been a red flag, you never take time off during the peak of murder season."

"I thought someone would notice."

"That you took time off?"

"I just wasn't ready to explain myself."

"Explain yourself?"

"I knew that there would be a lot of questions."

"So was she planned?"

"Planned? No, not at all."

"I don't understand," he admits.

"Most of the time, I don't either."

He looks at the little girl, in his arms. He cocks an eyebrow, and looks at Olivia, questioningly.


	5. Understanding

"Liv, make me understand this," Fin tells her, as the little girl falls asleep in his arms.

"I can't. I don't really understand it, myself."

"How did we get here?"

"What do you mean?"

"We have worked together for well over a decade. We're co-workers. We're friends. How did all of this happen, and you never thought to mention it?"

"I did. It is all that I thought about. She is all that I think about every second of every day."

"You have a child, and you never told me. How does that happen? Olivia I don't understand why," he admits.

"At first, I didn't say anything, because it was too early. Then, I was afraid that I would be put on desk duty."

"How did you even get pregnant?" he furrows his brow.

"You would think that at my age, it would be intentional, but it wasn't, I assure you."

"Why didn't you say anything? What made you think that you had to do it all on your own?"

"Fin, like I said, I didn't want to have to explain myself."

"You could have lied."

"I thought it was better, if I just didn't say anything, at all."

"Why?"

"Our line of work."

"What do you mean?"

"People, perps, find out that you have kid, and..."

"They use it to their advantage?"

"Exactly. I couldn't live with myself, if something happened to her, because of me."

"Nothing is going to happen to her."

"It was just never the right time."

"Never the right time? You had a baby, you should have found a time."

"And said what?"

"Anything."

"So I should have said, hey guys, by the way, I'm pregnant?"

"Yeah."

"And you would have left it, at that?" she probes.

"No, probably not."

"You would have asked me a million questions, that I can't answer."

"Can't, or won't."

"Won't."

"So what am I supposed to think?"

"Let's just pretend that she was planned. Can you do that?"

He doesn't say anything.

"I used a sperm bank, and I was artificially inseminated."

"We both know that isn't true."

"Do we? Maybe it was."

"You would have told me that."

"What makes you so sure?"

"Because you wouldn't feel guilty about that."

"I wouldn't? I wouldn't feel guilty about bringing a child into the world, to a single parent? I wouldn't feel guilty, for leaving her, at all hours of the night? I wouldn't feel guilty, for barely seeing my own child? Fin, her babysitter sees her more than I do."

"Olivia, just tell me the truth."

She blinks away tears, "I don't want to talk about it."

"What happened?"

"Nothing happened."

"Something happened, or this wouldn't all be a secret."

"I made a mistake," her voice cracks.

"We all make mistakes."

"I can't take it back. She's here now, and," she pauses, "I hate myself for the way that it happened."

"Why?"

"I can't tell you."

"Olivia, I am not going to tell anyone. You should know that, by now. Your secrets are safe, with me. I'll take them to my grave."

"You won't understand."

"You keep saying that," he points out.

"Because you won't. I have a hard time understanding, what possessed me."

"Everything happens for a reason. Did you ever think that maybe she's the reason."

"All the time."

"Then why does it matter?"

"She is never going to know her father."

"Is he dead?"

"He's dead to me," she answers.

His heart sinks. He looks at the sweet baby girl, asleep on his shoulder. He shakes his head.

"Don't tell me that," he begs.

"What do you want me to say? Do you want me to lie, or do you want the truth?"

"I can't protect you, if I don't know the truth."

"I am not asking you to protect me. I am not asking you to lie for me."

"What are you asking?"

"I am not asking you anything."

"Then why am I here? Why did you tell me? You didn't have to tell me."

"Because I have been carrying this around, for so long. I just can't do it, anymore. It's too hard. I had to tell someone. Fin, nobody knows about her, but me, and the babysitter."

"And, that makes you feel guilty, too?"

"Yes."

"I'm glad you chose me."

"I trust you," she admits.

"I know. Liv, come on," he implores.

She shakes her head. She swallows hard, "I never told anyone."

"Nobody?"

She shakes her head. "I even lied to my ob/gyn," she reveals.

"That's cold."

"That's life. I didn't know what to say. I just knew, I couldn't tell the truth."


	6. Mistake

"You can tell me," he says, softly.

"Like I said, I made a mistake."

"Elliot?"

She just nods, as the tears stream down her face, "It's ok," he tells her.

She shakes her head, "No, it's not. It defies everything that I stand for. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself," she responds.

He leans forward, and places the sleeping baby in her arms, "You have to, for her sake."

She watches him leave. He knows that she needs space, if she's ever going to tell him what happened. He closes the door, gently, so he doesn't wake the baby.

She looks down, at the little girl, whose head is pressed against her chest. She runs her fingers through her hair.

* * *

_She sits at the bar. She checks her watch, for the fifteenth time. She shakes her head, and motions for the bartender. She asks for her bill. Before she can pay, someone slides onto the barstool, next to her. He looks over at her, slyly. He smiles. She turns, and looks at him._

_"What are you doing here?" _

_"I came to get a beer," he reveals._

_"I see."_

_"You got stood up?" he questions._

_"Yeah," she admits._

_"Can I buy you a drink?"_

_"I haven't seen you in months. You left the precinct, without a word, and you want to buy me a drink? I don't think so, Elliot."_

_"Come on, Olivia."_

_"No."_

_"You're angry at me. I understand that."_

_"You understand it, but you don't seem sorry."_

_"I am. I know that I did not handle things well. Please let me make it up to you."_

_"You think that buying me a drink is going to make up for it? Elliot you were my partner for twelve years. You walk out of the precinct one day, months ago, and I never hear from you, again. I don't get a phone call. I don't even get a text. You didn't stop by my place. Nothing. You walked out on our partnership. You walked out of my life, and you're going to pretend that buying a drink is going to make up for all of that?"_

_"I didn't want to hurt you."_

_"You didn't want to hurt me? You did."_

_"Olivia, I am sorry. I just didn't know how to say goodbye."_

_"So you just didn't say anything?"_

_"Please, let me buy you a drink."_

_"Why?"_

_"You're angry. Let me explain myself."_

_"Fine," she concedes._

_After an hour, and a few drinks later, they're still talking._

_"So what happened, after you put your papers in?" she wonders._

_"Everything fell apart. I had already lost my partner. And, Kathy, she..."_

_"She what?"_

_"She told me that she didn't want to be married, anymore."_

_"So you quit your marriage, too?"_

_"No, I tried to work things out."_

_"But?" she raises an eyebrow._

_"You can't make something work, when the other party has given up on you."_

_"El, I'm sorry," she apologizes._

_After another hour, he's escorting her back to her apartment. He stops at the door, so she can unlock it. She pushes it open. She stops in the doorway, and looks at him. He doesn't say anything. He leans in, and kisses her. She doesn't stop him._

* * *

_Hours later, she wakes up, to the sound of a phone ringing. She looks over, at the other side of the bed. He lies in her bed, tangled in sheets. She reaches for the phone. She looks at the number. He snores, next to her. She shakes him._

_"What?"_

_"Phone," she answers._

_"Who is it?"_

_She swallows hard, "Your wife."_

_He doesn't say anything. He takes the phone from her, and slides out of bed. He pulls on his boxers, and takes the phone call into the other room. After he hangs up, he comes back into the room._

_"I have to go."_

_"Unbelievable. Go home to your wife," she grits her teeth, feeling like a fool._

_"Olivia, it's not what you think. Eli is sick, he's in the emergency room."_

_She throws a pillow at him, "Go home to your wife."_

_"Liv, don't be like that."_

_"Go to hell."_

_"Olivia, I..."_

_"No. I don't ever want to see you again," she yells at him._

_He leaves the apartment. She lies there, feeling as if she's been played. In one moment, she had turned into the one thing, she vowed never to be, the other woman. How could she have been so stupid? She let him play her. _

* * *

She gets off the couch, with Sydney in her arms. She carries the little girl, down the hall. She pushes the door, to the nursery open. She lays the sleeping baby in her crib. She kisses her cheek. She flips the baby monitor on, and leaves the room.

She crawls into bed, knowing that sleep won't come, easily. No matter how much she loves that little girl, she is always going to be a reminder. A reminder of her poor judgment, one night, with Elliot. She could try to blame it on the alcohol, but the truth is that she wanted him. She had wanted him, for a long time. She just never wanted him, like that.

She tosses, and turns for the next hour. She listens to the sound of the baby sleeping, in the next room. She prays for sleep to come. Finally, it does. After over an hour of laying there, in silence, surrounded by nothing, but her own thoughts. She gives into her sheer exhaustion, and closes her eyes.

The only thought that puts her mind at ease, is the fact that her little girl, is sleeping, peacefully, in the next room. That is the only solace that she can find.


End file.
